Home Of Tong

Today I broke down again. Just can’t help myself and with breakthrough not forthcoming, and triggered by some events, I just cannot stop.

My heart is burning with pain, but who will understand me? I’ve been seen as been selfish, thoughtless, unaccomodating, not understanding, helpless, the list goes on.

How long can I go on longer without breaking down again, how much longer before I go beyond breaking down? I don’t know.

It’s been a tough few days, thank God I don’t have to face it alone. God has been gracious and things are beginning to be on the up. Or at least that is what I hope will be. To be frank, I do feel that there is a wall divide, and it is up to me to break it down. With His help, I hope it will not be long, as the longer it goes the worst it is going to become.

So the next few weeks are going to be key, as I commit the situation to God daily and hope for small breakthroughs everyday. Keep on praying…

What a wonderful place! Thank God for His wonderful creation. I needed some time alone with God with no distraction so that I can re-commit my life to Him afresh in this new year. Sitting admist this serene environment, one can’t help but be amazed by why God can do.

This morning, I did what I had not done for a longest time, spending 2 distracted hours with God. Here you can scream, shout, sing, pray, and even a little dance with not much distraction. And I think it is time for me to start 2010 on a right note.

Seated beside this tree, I re-committed my life to God in a fresh way. Giving up myself as I am simply nothing. Nothing I did or do are right, and I need His touch, His wisdom, His help. Here I realise that I am further away from God than I could admit, and how it must have broken His heart. Sorry Lord, for the tears you must have shed for me. And here I realise that I need to have an even tighter grib on a hand and never let it go. I will not give up, and with God’s grace, I will be able to see through this situation and may God be the Glory.

Thanks be to God, who always leads us to triumph.

I went for my medical follow up appointment yesterday, in my 1st venture out since 2 weeks ago. The trip never felt so long. Doc says my wound is healing well and will need at least 6 more weeks to be totally healed. Gosh, I thought he was kidding but he was not. So it will be a tall order when I go back to work to live through the pain for the entire day. After collecting my medication (which I have to ask for it), I headed home and on the way, I started to feel tired and giddy. Guess the long distance and all the waiting had taken a toll on me. When I reach home, I hit the sack for the next couple of hours till my wife woke me up for dinner.

This morning, I slept till 9am even though I sleep at 9+ pm yesterday! Considering that for the last 2 weeks I woke up at 5+ am and couldn’t get back to sleep anymore, even on nights where I sleeps way way pass midnight. Can’t believe I’m so weak just because of 1 trip out. Wonder what will happen if I need to be out the entire day. Guess I have to find a way to ease myself back to work.

Wow…it has been so long since I last post that I almost have problem logging in. With me now stuck at home, I finally decided to login and post some updates. It could be a long one…or I may just forget those that are too long ago and post just the latest updated.

Why am I stuck at home? Some may ask, it is because I have to go for this surgery last Tue and is now on 3 weeks hospitalization leave. 3 weeks? Yup. It isn’t too serious but in the doctor’s word, “the surgery can be quite complicated”, and, “it will be a painful healing process”. So here I am, stuck at home with no where I can go. Not that I have got nothing to do, I have promised to my colleagues and customers that I will remain contactable, so that means I will have to work from home. But I notice that I keep needing to take breaks in between work or I will go all gorgy.

Oh, having said that, I did tried to venture out for the 1st time in 8 days. To pick up the mails in the letterbox. My wife hates to retrieve the mails so I thought since I am feeling better today, I should go clear my letterbox before it is full, and oh boy, it was really full. It was a very short trip down and up, not too bad a feeling, but I do feel weird with the way I walk. So I don’t think I am going anywhere else soon.

Staying at home also means getting the occassional knock on the doors with salesperson peddling items from ice-cream to ‘bah hu ??’. All with the same tatic – emotional blackmail.

Just the other day, 2 teens came knocking on the door selling ice-cream. They told me that they are selling ice-cream because their grandma is sick and they needed the money to buy food and medicine. Haven’t heard that before. But I told them I do not allow my kids to eat ice-cream (at least not often), so I do not want a whole box of ice-cream sitting in my freezer. And they started with their predictable, “please…please…please”. OK, I am not about to judge here, but their stories do present some loopholes, and their eye-contact with each other sort of gave it away.

They were not about to gave up, and persisted on, so I asked them how much is it. They told me their cost is $10 and they are selling $12. Not about to spend $12 on something I do not want, I decided to ‘trust’ their story (there is no way I can verify anyway) and told them since their profit is $2, I will give them the $2 and they can sell the ice-cream to someone else. Only then they relented and walk away. Some can say I am a easy fool, but I guess for $2 I save myself the guilt that the story ‘might’ be true, and if I am really made a fool, $2 is still something I can bear with.

Today, an auntie (more of ah ma) came knocking again, peddling some unknown source of ‘lah chang ??’, ‘bah hu ??’ and other things (in clear plastic packing). She claim to be stay at opposite block and it’s tough of her to be walking floor by floor selling these items, and keep saying to me, “?????????”, which means “please help, please help”. I told her we don’t cook so prefer not to buy, and she immediately stuff me the ’bah hu ??’ and tell me “this one no need to cook”. I thought if it is cheap maybe I will just help her out a bit and asked her how much and was told $15.

Now, I’m not sure if that is the market price but I tought it sounded expensive, and anyway, having been at home for the last 8 days, I only have $5 cash with me. So I told her that I do not have enough cash with me. She then try to give me a solution and ask me to just buy one pack and top up the rest with coins. I told her all I have is $5 and she immediately turn a black face and walk away. That certainly didn’t make my day to be shown a black face.

I hope no one else come to knock on my house, or I will not be stupid enough to open the door anymore.